Christmas is right around the corner, and I am sorry to say that there is almost no chance that our Pütz media player will be released in time for the holiday. It breaks my heart to admit this, but it is the sad reality of our situation. Please start preparing your children now. There will be no Pütz in their stockings on Christmas morning. I blame it all on a man named Mr. Timothy Ferriss and his stupid book The 4-Hour Workweek.
After our last setback, I knew that it would be difficult to meet the manufacturing deadline for the busy holiday season. But, unfortunately, we have made ABSOLUTELY NO PROGRESS in the last two months. How is that possible? I will tell you.
Shortly after returning from his stay in the Moldovan prison, Vladimir started behaving strangely (strange even for him). He refused to read any of the memos or product documentation written in his absence. So, I asked Vladimir how he planned to develop the new product without reading any of the specifications, and he said to me, “I am going on a low information diet.”
That was not even an answer to my question. And what in the hell is a Low Information Diet?
Next, Vladimir started refusing to attend our weekly meetings. He said that meetings are a waste of time and started ranting about some Italian named Pareto.
Meanwhile, I could not help but notice that he does not consider The MySpace a waste of time, as he is still spending most of his day “chatting with the cuties” (his words, not mine).
There is no talking with Vladimir when he gets like this, so I sent him an email. And then I did not hear anything for a week. Then, finally, the following Monday morning, he replies, “Thank you for contacting Vladimir Concescu with problems you have. My virtual assistant will be in contacting you shortly”.
Virtual assistant?! The man does almost no work. Why does he need an assistant?
Later that day, I got a call on Skype. It was from some lady in Bangalore. She told me that Vladimir had assigned my case to her and that she would be helping me resolve my problem. I will say that she was very polite, and her English was much better than Vladimir’s. But still, this is no way to do business.
Finally, I cornered Vladimir at the coffee machine (if he is not on The MySpace or in the restroom, he is at the coffee machine). That is when he told me about his “muse.” He explained that he is starting a dating service with his girlfriends on The MySpace.
I asked him, what kind of muse is a MySpace dating service?!
Then he explains that he will need the income when he is on his “mini-retirement.”
Mini-retirement? He just spent three months lounging around the Moldovan prison, racking up data access charges. And now he is retiring?
Then he hands me The 4-hour Workweek book and says, “I am going to escape 9-5, live anywhere, and join the new rich.” I was a little surprised by that, but I noticed that it says those exact words on the cover. Vladimir is very impressionable.
So, there will be no Pütz for Christmas because Vladimir read this stupid book.
Worse yet, the book has been making the rounds at DuroSport headquarters. So now Otto in security wants to negotiate his schedule to work from home. I am sorry, I may be old-fashioned, but a security guard is not a job done from home!
Mr. Timothy Ferris is the worst kind of moron. His stupid book is destroying our company. He is the enemy of capitalism! I came to America to get away from people like him.
Please, Mr. Ferris, take your next mini-retirement in Romania and stop writing your stupid books.