DuroSport Is Getting Flatter

As you know, Caitlyn, our new change manager, is working on DuroSport’s AI transition. As part of her job, she is “reimagining our organizational hierarchy to better align with our AI-centric future.”

Last week, Caitlyn presented our board of directors with a proposed company-wide “reorg” (consultant-speak for a reorganization). Her proposal was approved and “fast-tracked” by the board.

This surprised me as I wasn’t aware the board of directors was still around. The last I heard, they all went home after we stopped paying them. I suspect someone promised there would be doughnuts at the meeting.

Anyway, this morning, Caitlyn announced the changes to the DuroSport staff team in this email.

Subject: Flattening DuroSport

Dear Team:

We’re planning some exciting changes here at DuroSport, and I want to be the first to tell you about them!

As a result of the recent AI transition, DuroSport will be streamlining and flattening our operations. As a result, we are consolidating our 23 departments into two, and some of us will be reassigned to new departments while others will be transitioned to post-employment.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this is a bit of a bummer – BUT we’ve got some AWESOME perks to make up for it! Those transitioning to post-employment will receive 60 days of unpaid leave and 90 days of access to the new DuroSport AI assistant. The AI assistant will help you write your resume and search for a new job. After 90 days, you can sign up for a paid plan at a special post-employee discount.

You’ll receive a text message later today with further instructions and your category (“flat team member” or “post-employee”). Until then, keep your chin up, and stay tuned for more updates!

Your Favorite Change Manager,
Caitlyn Ceban

Caitlyn shared the new org chart with me, and I can confirm that it is incredibly flat. Almost as flat as the paper it is printed on. Most of the departments have been eliminated, and the remaining ones report directly to the AI system. I am unsure how that is possible, but that’s how it is.

Obviously, this is a sad and challenging time for all of us here at DuroSport. Like most of you, I was caught off guard by the extreme nature of these cuts. I believed that AI was here to help us do less work. It never occurred to me that our increased free time in the office might result in job cuts.

I will report more soon unless I get a text message telling me to go home.